Our Future Feels Bright Today

Today was "Eat Lunch With Your _______- Grader" at Tot's school.  I didn't go last year.  Neither did Tot's dad.  We both had these pesky things called jobs that we couldn't get away from in the middle of the work day to eat lunch with our youngest.  It's not the first time that's happened with one of the kids, and it probably won't be the last.  But my mom was in town, so she joined Tot last year, and that worked out just fine for everyone.

This year, in contrast, Tot's dad and I both were able to eat lunch with him.  I picked up his favorite (Daphne's), and we went over to the school.

While we were waiting on the playground, watching the first-graders play, we noticed a little girl sitting at the edge of the track, crying.  I asked Tot who it was.  (Tot knows who everyone is, even kids I've never seen.  Even kids not in his class. He's very social.)  He knew who it was and posited that she was sad because no one was at the school to have lunch with her.  My throat got tight watching her.  I asked Tot if he wanted to invite her to eat with us, and without skipping a beat, he ran right over to her and asked her to join us.  He walked her over to us, introduced her, then invited her to go play with him on the playground.

When we got to the cafeteria, a group of girls at another table saw that she did not have her parents with her, and they called her over.  She looked at me, then at the other table, and then she nodded no.  We told her it was okay with us if she wanted to eat with her friends; we just wanted her to have a good lunch.  And off she went.

While we were discussing how impressive it was that this 6-year-old would stick to a commitment to eat with us - people who she doesn't really even know - instead of with her friends, another parent plopped down across from us.  She told us how impressed she was that Tot reached out to that little girl.  She said that she lots of parents go up to the child, but that Tot was the only kid who did -- and she thought that was pretty neat.

So today I'm feeling good about the future of our world.  With kids like Tot - who reach out to take care of those around him, and kids like this little girl - who honor even the tiniest of commitments, things look pretty bright.

"Gotcha Day"

I debated whether to acknowledge that I'm not just any kind of parent.  I'm an adoptive mom.   Today, being an adoptive mom is relevant.  So, for what it's worth, I have three kids.  All three adopted.  One domestic and two international.  One through the China Special Needs program.  All totally adorable and worth the wait for each.

Anyway, I'll admit it.  When it comes to international adoptive parenting, I'm a bit of a fail.  Not when it comes to paperwork.  I rock at international adoption paperwork.  Or I did the last time I went through the process from beginning to end.  Of course, that was back in 2007, nine years ago now.  But I'm not so great at the "gotcha" stuff.

To be honest, I don't really like the expression "Gotcha Day."  And for those of you who don't know what that means, it's the day a family "gets" its new child.  As in, yesterday I was childless, and today I "gotcha," so I'm a mom.  It's a thing.  And I don't love it for a couple reasons:

1. I didn't just "get" my kids.  Remember I mentioned the paperwork?  I mean, there is - as there should be - a lot of hoop-jumping.  A lot.  (Not as intrusively done as the domestic adoption experience I had, but still.  Quite a bit.)  
2. I "get" new intellectual content.  I might "get" the flu.  Or a really cool new car.  Or some neato school supplies.  But I didn't just "get" my kids.  Becoming a mom was truly life-changing.  And that expression feels like it devalues the significance of the relationship and the changes in my kids' lives and in mine.

As it turns out, I'm  not very good at keeping track of Gotcha Days.  With three kids, each with different birthdays, different "Gotcha" days, different adoption days (in China), and different adoption days in the United States, it's just too much.  I really want to celebrate my kids.  I do.  I love them.  I'm so grateful to have them in my life.  And I want them to always know how important and how loved they are.  But I just can't keep up with all the celebrating.  

We have baby books for each of them - and our meeting moment is captured in each.  But other than that, I have to watch Facebook to realize that it's someone's Gotcha Day.  That's how I discovered today is Tot's Gotcha Day.  

Happy G-Day Tot!  I hope you know how much we love you every day.

Middle School Sucks (probably the first in a series of these)

I think I could write a whole series of blog posts about why middle school sucks.  Not for me, of course.  I'm 40-something, and my memories of 30 years ago are mostly positive.  But, man, watching my kids go through it -- some days it just makes my stomach hurt.

Here's one example.

We mostly start school in mid-August.  After attempting unsuccessfully to get into a different school through a lottery system, Mimi resigned herself to attending our neighborhood middle school.  She would know lots of kids from her elementary school.  It's not that far from the house.  Her brother's been attending for a couple of years, so she wasn't going in blind.

On the afternoon of the first day of middle school, I picked up the kids after school.  In anticipation of potential first-day blues, I had planned to drive straight to Dairy Queen after school, promising the kids that after they recited three good things that happened at school, I'd buy them a DQ treat. But before I could even tell them the plan, Mimi barely got her body into the car when she burst into tears.

Trying to calm her, I brightly persuaded her brothers to go first.  For them, it was easy:  Tot told me about what he ate when he got to buy lunch, how he played with some friends at recess, and how much he loves his first grade teacher.  Ace told me how happy he was to have the same Social Studies teacher, that he had a friend in every single class, and that he didn't have any homework.  Mimi just sobbed, told me I didn't understand.  There was nothing good about school.

After I pressed for a while, she relented and told me the story.  There were two girls who were her friends from elementary school.  One was in every one of her classes.  You'd think that would be good news, right? Of course not.  This is middle school.

On the first day of school, Mimi dressed carefully.  Just before the school year began, Mimi found a pair of super cute Steve Madden shoes.  So cute that she agreed to let me buy a pair for myself in a different color.  She wore those new, black Steve Madden shoes on the first day of school.  And instead of complimenting her, her "friends" asked her why she needed such fancy shoes.  Said she was acting like she was "too good" for regular shoes like everyone else.  Then also insulted her t-shirt choice.  She held it together at school, but by the time she made it to the car, she was done.  She didn't wear the shoes for another two weeks.

Stupid middle school girls.

Starting Over with a Clean Slate

I used to blog.  A lot.  Every day. Sometimes twice a day.  And then, one day, I just stopped.  I didn't have anything more to say.  It wasn't because life got more busy or less busy.  It didn't.  It wasn't because my kids stopped doing funny things or the narcissist at work stopped being an egocentric prick.  It just didn't feel good to write.

But lately I have been composing posts in my head a lot.  It feels good to just do that.  But I realized that I miss the writing.  The thing is, I want to write about my children.  And work.  And my opinions about the world.  But now that my kids are older, doing so seems a little intrusive.  I can't really write about what I want to write about without sharing information about them that I don't necessarily want tied to them.  And, yeah, I know that these days anyone can figure out anything.  I know that.  But I'm hoping by making this more anonymous than not, I can spare the ogling that might otherwise feel like it's right in my kids' faces.

So today is as good as any day.  Today I begin my new blog.